I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
