I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
