You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
