i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
