My hand turned me down
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
