Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
