Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
