I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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