i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence