Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.