i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?