i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just sent this text using only my big toe
it's like iHOP with fire
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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