Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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