It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
