My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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