Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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