Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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