You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
