so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
