Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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