She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
