The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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