piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
