my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
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captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
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Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I party with great urgency now.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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