it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
