your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
