I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
