so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Farmville is her only friend.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
you had me at cake vodka
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
