I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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