Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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