When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
