I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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