you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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