the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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