I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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