ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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