So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
