3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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