speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
