Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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