Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Randomize
