we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
