The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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