if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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