Cold hands, warm shart.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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