this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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