Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
