Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
