we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
