I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
