No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
