He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
