We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
