im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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