True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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