I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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