She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
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We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
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I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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