I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
