Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
