I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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