the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
