how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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